yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
