her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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