im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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