just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
