New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she looked like the before picture.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
