Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
