Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
