When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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