Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
