Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
