My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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