I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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