Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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