and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
