omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
