Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize