I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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