I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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