I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
