All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize