and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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