White coat. Heels.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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