so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
