I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
