So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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