Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
