Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
