i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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