I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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