nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
