Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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