I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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