Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
