I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am available for nakedness
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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