he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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