im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize