i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
