He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
