Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
