I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize