Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
