I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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