He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
