sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize