every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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