The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
