When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
