I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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