hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
