So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
