Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
